Journal Entry: Mon Jul 6, 2015, 3:44 PM
Hello my name is Sam and I'm bad at updating everything on the internet. You should see my Tumbler it's just a blank space taking up space on the internet.
I guess my life is interesting, I don't know if it is or not. I'm still doing army stuff, I got back from deployment last September, and I found out I might be going back again. Wwweeee.
I'm planning on getting out of the army and going to school next year. I decided to go to art school for animation or design maybe both, or something else. I want to get my masters in animation if I can. I think the whole process of making an animated film is very interesting. I'm still searching for an art school. There's one an hour or more from my hometown that's really good, there's another one in California, and a couple others throughout this country, oh and this one in England.
It's hard to choose what school I want to go to, but I guess I can send my art portfolio to all them. One thing I find strange though, is that the few schools I have contacted, want me to go visit them or made it sound mandatory that I go do a tour of their campus, and I can't because of the army, and only one of them seems to be understanding because of that.
That's one thing I hate about the army I can't go more than 2hrs or 250 miles away from base without a pass and if I did get one, plane tickets are expensive and I'm kind of scared of driving for more than 4 hours.
Another thing I'm thinking about is going army reserves for when I'm in school, but I'm afraid of being deployed and getting behind in my education even more. I already feel behind as it is, most of the people I went to school with are in their last year of college or starting their careers.
I know I've done a lot, but I just can't help but feel like I haven't. I like the idea of being in the army, more than I actually like being in it. It's like I can love someone, but not like them at the same time. It's kind of saddening, because I thought I would enjoy it enough to make it a career and be retired at 39. In reality if you've been in the army for about 20 years you have a body of a 70 year old. I have so many achs and pains and more health problems than I did before I joined. lol Looking at all the men in my family that are 40 or close, they look younger than a lot of the older people in the army.
Speaking of health problems I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety not to long ago. I don't like to talk about it really, I actually had all the symptoms for depression since the end of 2013. I also experience some suicidal thoughts that would only cross my mind for a few minutes. I'm not afraid of death, because I will only die in God's will and go to heaven, but I don't want to die now, and it's very scary to think about that. I just want to feel happy again and be myself. I changed a lot since I joined the army, both good and bad. I'm almost scared to get out, but I feel like I have so much more potential to do something else with my life in the art world. I'm not the greatest artist out there, but I want to become one of the best artist that are out there. I wont lie I do enjoy that feeling of someone you don't know saying your art is pretty.
I just need to get better mentally and physically, I feel like a bird that is trapped in an open cage, or the sky when it's cloudy and raining, but at the same time you can still see the blue sky and the sun. I have hope for myself, but life is just hard right now. I'm afraid of leaving one thing behind and regretting that left, but I honestly would rather take the risk and regret giving something up, than to regret not letting go and taking that leap of faith into something new that could effect my life for the better or for the worst. At least I can say I did something than nothing.
In other news at the beginning of the year me and my then boyfriend broke up. I was giving my 100% into the relationship and he was only giving %50. So I gave him the option to stay and change, or leave and he left. I have a health problem that get in the way of something's in life, and he was just being a jerk about it and acted like my health problems were ruining his life, instead of being patient and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Him leaving is more of a blessing than him staying and life is a little bit better. He never wanted to do anything and since the break up, I experience so much more in life, and I made some new friends to. I'm going to a Five Finger Death Punch concert in September with a new friend of mine.
I guess I should stop here, I'm just rambling.